and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Panties = found
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
