i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Randomize
