I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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