My sheets look like a crime scene.
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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