I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize
