I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
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