This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
