Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
