Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
Randomize
