How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
