hotel room ftw
you win again, gameday.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
