Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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