my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
You're like the curious george of whores
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Naked. naked and bneed help.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
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