You can't motorboat a personality
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Randomize