Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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