A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Randomize
