WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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