Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Randomize
