If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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