I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
My ATM looks so different sober.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
