you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
