so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
