new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Dignity is for republicans.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
Fuck me I smell like cheese
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
