if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
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