Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
We were destined to go to rehab together
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
Randomize
