Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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