if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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