My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
