went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
It's shark week go big or go home
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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