I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Randomize
