Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
