somebody snuck up and got me drunk
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
