Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Randomize
