connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Is Oprah even human
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
