he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Drunk is a universal language darling
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
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