peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
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