Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
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