I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Randomize
