I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
