You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
Randomize
