he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
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