how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
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