I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
