I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
