Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize