My Higher Power is John Stamos
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
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