My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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