so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
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