You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Randomize
