oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
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