The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
