so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
Randomize
