My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Randomize
