he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Randomize
