I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Randomize
