we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
