So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
