I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
I need moral support for this bender
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Randomize
