Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize
