She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
