Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
